Sex and the Male Ostomate

Making Love

Ostomy Management
Good ostomy management is the key to establish confidence during lovemaking. The pouching system should be free of odor and leakage. Pouches should be emptied prior to lovemaking and some ostomates may wish to avoid eating or drinking anything that may give trouble. Consider opaque pouches and/or pouch covers to enhance intimacy.

Positions
If the pouch or other stoma covering seems to be in the way during intercourse, experiment with different positions.

Preparation
In addition to good ostomy management, preparation for sex is the same as it is for the non-ostomate: cleanliness, appealing nightclothes, privacy and a loving attractive manner.

Psychological Problems Following Surgery

Many sex problems that male ostomates experience after surgery may stem from psychological factors. It is often difficult to determine the difference between psychological and physical factors. If sexual difficulty should be experienced, careful consideration of any psychological issues may help resolve the cause.

Most of the following concerns apply primarily to the immediate post-operative period.

Serious anxiety or fear about one's ability to perform sexually, the attractiveness of his altered body, the possibility of odor, and the security of his pouch or other stoma covering.

Failure because of attempting intercourse before strength returns following the operation.

Depression which many patients suffer following major surgery.

Medication, sedative or other.

It is important that the new male ostomate and his partner understand that impotence is not unusual and is usually temporary because of the foregoing reasons.

A cooperative partner is one who takes the ostomy for granted with warmth, tenderness, and patience. They engage in activities that provide both partners with maximum enjoyment. In some cases this may require that previous sex patterns may need to be changed. Any changes should be pleasing and acceptable to both lovers.

The presence of a stoma on the abdomen is quite a change in one's anatomy and can make the ostomate self-conscious and may pose a psychological barrier in sexual relations. There should be some communication with one's partner that intercourse will not harm it.

The ostomate should be relaxed and unworried. This may be difficult the first time, but subsequent encounters are likely to become easier. If the partner expresses concern about hurting the stoma or dislodging the pouch, one should not misinterpret it as rejection.

Sexual Difficulty

It is important that the male and his mate understand that failure to achieve and/or sustain an erection can happen, but in most cases the condition is temporary and potency will return in a few months. Be patient, do not panic.

This does not mean that the couple should avoid making love. There is much more to sex than erections and orgasm. Love play, or pleasuring each other, is delightful.

There are many ways a man can satisfy his partner sexually up to and including orgasm. There is masturbation, manual stimulation, oral-genital sex, stuffing the flaccid penis into the vagina and moving the pubis without thrusting.

Uninhibited communication between both partners is the key to finding the best technique.

Organic Problems Following Surgery

The nature and extent of ostomy surgery in some instances may cause sexual impairment of a physical or organic nature. This is because of the location of the prostate glands and the nerves serving them in the case of urostomy surgery. When the rectum is removed in ileostomy or colostomy surgery, it is because of the location of the nerve system serving the genitals.

The types of sexual impairment that may result from removal of the bladder or the rectum are:

Impotence. Inability to achieve and/or sustain an erection.

Orgasmic dysfunction. Inability to have an orgasm or the lessening of the quality and intensity of orgasm.

Ejaculatory incompetence. Inability to ejaculate.

Sterility. Inability to produce sperm for impregnation of the female.

Seek Professional Advice

Medical professionals should address any sexual difficulty, first with the ostomy surgeon and/or the WOC(ET) or ostomy nurse. Referral may be made to a urologist, therapist or counselor, and they may recommend new advances in medical and surgical interventions.

Sex and the Female Ostomate

Making Love

After surgery, while you are recovering and learning to manage your ostomy, you may not experience any sexual feelings for days, weeks, or even months. On the other hand, you may begin to focus on sexual feelings while still in the hospital. You need to let your partner know what to expect from you about intimacy and sex.

Women recovering from ostomy surgery worry about many things: How they will look to themselves and if they will still be attractive to others, will there be pain, how to manage the pouch before, during and after sex. Remind yourself that your lovableness and self-worth do not depend on a body part.

If the rectum has been removed, the whole position and structure/size of your vagina may feel different. Be aware that for some women it is either uncomfortable and/or painful. Your vagina may feel too small or too tight. You may not come to orgasm the first time if things are too strange and different.

An intimate relationship is one in which it matters how well you can communicate about this intimate experience. Your partner will take the cue from you. But do not forget that your partner's feelings are real, too, and they should not be denied any more than your own.

Potential Problems

The longer you lived with the conditions of disease process, the longer you adjusted your sexual activities to the limitation they placed on you. This will now change with some caring and sharing on both your parts. A helpful task for you now is to sort through these limitations to determine if they were from the illness or "ancient history" experiences.

Pain blocks good sexual feelings. Remember that the rectal-genital area consists of soft tissue that is rich in blood vessels and nerves; tissues like this bruise and swell easily when traumatized. They take time to heal. Another source of pain is lack of lubrication.

Most women who have experienced painful post-operative intercourse say that the pain diminishes with time, hormonal creams or lubricants, relaxation, gentle thrusting, and manual stimulation.

Factors Which Influence Sexual Intimacy

Desire. Sometimes you may experience little or no desire for sex. Illness and medical treatments often lower sexual desire as do pain, medication and just plain not feeling well. A change in body image and lowered self-esteem interfere with sexy feelings. Fatigue, depression, anxiety or anger is likely to dampen desire.

Loss and Grief. Ostomy surgery means a major change in your body. Even if your surgery has brought an end to years of illness and discomfort, or has been to cure a life-threatening disease, it still represents the loss of a natural body function. Not infrequently, grief is experienced as anger or fear.

Body Image. Body image is the way we see ourselves in the mirror and like to imagine our appearance. Although the change seems so great to oneself, most others do not see the ostomy as changing in any major way the person they love. Harmony within oneself precedes harmony in a relationship.

Medications. Drugs taken during illness and surgery may affect sexual behavior. Each person reacts individually to medication. Anesthesia can leave a person feeling off center for quite some time.

Surgical Procedures. If the rectum has been removed along with the colon, there may be a different sensation in the vagina during intercourse since part of its supporting structure is gone. In some women the angle of the vaginal barrel changes penetration, and orgasm may be harder to achieve. The uterus may change position, leading to difficulties in conception. If radiation therapy has been received, there may be vaginal tenderness and dryness.

Talking About Sex

It is your right to share or not to share information about your body. Sharing information about your ostomy may not be easy. If you find someone with whom you want to share a sexual relationship, then you need to decide when and how much you want to share about your operation.

Many a loving partner of an ostomate has admitted to feeling anger and resentment towards a sick mate. Such feelings are natural. Until they have been expressed and worked out, both of you may feel guilty and unlovable. There is nothing more frustrating and painful than dealing with a partner who refuses to talk about important issues in a relationship such as sex, anger, fear, rejection, or the ostomy. Going together to a professional counselor may be the answer.

Seek Professional Advice

Any sexual difficulty should be addressed by medical professionals, first the ostomy surgeon and/or the WOC(ET) or ostomy nurse. Referrals may be made to gynecologist, therapist or counselors. This article was sent to me by a friend, I do not know the author, if you do, please let me know so I can give the proper credit.